Perfect record. Absolute bastard of a score.
Week 5 of the 2026 season, written once the kegs were empty.
jeff dropped 178.60 on My Name Is Jeff, who scored 154.75 and still lost by 23.85. That was the highest score of Week 5 and a calculated $30 King in the North award. It left jeff at 5-0, the only unbeaten team in the realm, with 761.15 points for. My Name Is Jeff brought an army. jeff brought the fucking dragon.
A wedding receipt is not a win. My Name Is Jeff had the highest losing score at 154.75, earning the calculated $15 Red Wedding award. The record was still 1-4, with 734.70 points against. The Iron Bank reimbursed the funeral. It did not resurrect the season.
Dallas brought a paper shield to a siege. Big Anus Yangus demolished Dallas Jeffboys 176.70 to 82.75, a 93.95-point execution and the biggest margin of the week. Dallas posted the lowest score in the league. Yangus moved to 4-1; Dallas fell to 3-2. This was not a battle. This was the bit where the camera cuts away and you hear the axe.
The Wall finally defended something. Lord Snow beat Jeff’s Mom’s TDs 128.30 to 122.15, a 6.15-point escape that finally put him at 1-4. Mom’s TDs dropped to 3-2. Sound the horn. Not for an invasion, just for a lineup that finally did its bloody job.
Private Jeff crawled out with the points. Saving Private Jeff edged JeffsMomsFavorite 153.80 to 147.50, the closest game of the week at 6.30 points. Both finished the week 2-3. The Favorite scored enough to storm a castle and somehow got stopped at the fucking gate.
The list can wait. So can the spaghetti.. Stallion Who Mounts Jeffs beat Arya Winning Jeff? 109.85 to 92.75, leaving both at 2-3. Arya’s kill list apparently did not include the opposing lineup. Jeffy Dahmer beat Jeffyspagettipants 132.80 to 118.10, moving to 4-1 while the pasta sank to 1-4. The standings are not a colander. Stop falling through them.
Why this story? The Maester’s receipts
Sworn on Sleeper: 2026 season through Week 5, checked Oct 20, 2026. Every score in the story comes from these ravens: 2026 Week 5 matchups (Oct 20 check), 2026 league users (Oct 20 check), 2026 standings through Week 6 (Oct 20 check), 2026 Week 1 matchups (Oct 20 check), 2026 Week 2 matchups (Oct 20 check), 2026 Week 3 matchups (Oct 20 check), 2026 Week 4 matchups (Oct 20 check), and 2026 Week 6 matchups (Oct 20 check).
This Week 5 recap was verified retrospectively on Oct 20, 2026, not Oct 14. Sleeper was on Week 7; all Week 5 scores were complete and every custom_points override was null.
Records and points totals describe Week 5 only. They were reconstructed from the completed matchups and cross-checked against the Week 6 official roster totals with Week 6 removed. Weekly awards are calculated; payment is not verified.
Completed scores, checked Oct 20. All twelve rosters present in six pairs. Scores use custom_points ?? points; all overrides were null.
Owner identities matched to all twelve current rosters.
All official W/L/T, PF and PA totals matched independent sums of Weeks 1 to 6. Week 5 records and totals were reconstructed from Weeks 1 to 5 and cross-checked by subtracting Week 6 from the official totals.